Another month in the life of two kids has flown by. I am not sure how I’ll ever get back to blogging on a regular basis even though my head and heart are full of ideas. However, each time I sit down to write, life happens.
I don’t even know what to share or where to begin. A “recap” of the last month would be futile. What the heck happened?
Let’s start with being back to work. Because, let me tell you, hot damn. I am a few weeks into the groove yet this “groove” isn’t even reality because we’ve had my mom and aunt staying with us to help and I am at a very reduced schedule. Laundry has been done, the dishwasher emptied, dinner started, wine opened upon arriving home. Yet, despite all of this, I regularly fall into bed like a mack truck hit me. My brain cannot even process how we’ll stay afloat when I am back to 100% on April 1st and all the in-home help is gone. Two words: Take. Out.
Or let’s start with my emotions. I go back and forth between being a big ball of crazy and a crying basket case. Someone send Mike a bottle of whiskey, stat! Sometimes it is triggered by stress, but mainly it’s just because Caden has really changed me and I want to be with him all the time. I hold him more than I ever held Rylan. I say “oh well” to the schedule when he’s crying and nurse him when he probably isn’t even hungry yet. I stare at him and soak up every ounce of his baby-self…because I am quite certain we won’t do this again. My heart aches when I am not with my boys in a way that — sorry if this is a terrible thing to say — didn’t kick in all the way when it was just Rylan. Caden changed us.
It is like an extra mom gene or switch got turned on with Caden. The “put them first” and “this won’t last forever” mom gene in me went into high gear. A delayed start if you will…
Don’t get me wrong, as there are certain things I’ll never give up so that I can simply stare at my children all day. That includes work, working out, maintaining friendships and, most importantly, our marriage. I guess I am just more acutely aware that every stage of Caden’s first year, even the crappiest of nights or most sleepless weeks, are nothing more than fleeting moments in time. Blinks. Breaths.
I am filled to the brim with more questions than answers, which is not what I expected the second time around.
Motherhood. What a journey.